Recovery from dating a borderline

  • Borderline Personality and Abuse
  • Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality
  • BPD Relationship Recovery – Me Project
  • Healing the Pain of Being in Relationship With Someone Who Is Narcissistic or Borderline
  • What You Need to Know When Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

Two-Sides of the Same Mirror: Obviously I do not treat these people for those conditions but sometimes they are referred to me by their mental health care professionals. The narcissist is self-obsessed and fixated on their self-image. This defense mechanism puts some distance between the borderline personality and their own unresolved wounds. The way these two show up is strikingly similar- lying, deceiving, having lack of concern for others, and manipulating are all par for the course, though they may vary in their degree of expression.

Borderline Personality and Abuse

Posted by A. Mahari Oct 16, The propensity for abusiveness in those with BPD is instigated by the narcissistic injury that is at the heart of the core wound of abandonment. But what is behind the connection between Borderline Personality and abuse? The reality of this is such because borderlines lack a known, consistent self, and they struggle with abandonment fears and abandonment depression that stem directly from a primal core wound of abandonment that arrests their emotional and psychological development in the very first few months of life.[rs_table_products tableName=”Best Dating Websites”]

This arrested development impacts most, if not all, areas of relating and leaves borderlines unable to interact in age-appropriate healthy ways. Pain that is triggered through attempts to be emotionally intimate with someone else. The intimacy that non-personality-disordered people enjoy is stressful and overwhelming to the borderline. This whirlwind of unregulated emotion meeting with fear and distrust generates the original feelings of rage that this core wound of abandonment aroused in the first place.

The core wound of abandonment, when one is very young and experiences it, is the experience of psychological death. It is intense and arouses the borderline to fight for survival while they experience the sheer terror of feeling like they might actually just die or be killed by what they are feeling. This heightened state of arousal is both psychological and biological — it is physiological. It is a strong drive to survive and rage is at its core. Rage is the most primal feeling generated and the most protective defense that a young infant can muster to try to have the caregiver return to once again provide some sense of being for the infant.

Feelings and reactions of rage are experienced by those who go on to develop BPD so early in life that they precede cognitive and verbal development. This is what makes borderline rage so primal, so intense, and in the case of the borderline so raw and unmanageable in terms of often triggered dysregulated emotion of those with BPD. It is pain that has long-since been dissociated from and abandoned by the borderline.

This abandoned pain of BPD is the ignition switch that needs only the hint or flicker of an emotional flame to ignite a combustible, all-too-often abusive rage like no other. This is what the borderline regresses to. When the borderline is in a regressed and to varying degrees dissociated experience, the non-borderline partner is experienced by the borderline as that withdrawing or abandoning caretaker from the past that was needed for literal physical and psychological survival.

This ends in a lashing out by the borderline personality, abuse is often the end result. All rage is not expressed the same way. All borderlines do not abuse in the same ways. As you will see in my next article , there are many different forms that the abuse generated by this narcissistic woundedness takes. Some borderlines rage, literally, they scream and yell and throw things or hit people.

This inherent free-floating, always-at-the-ready rage, if you will, is the root source of a lot of the varying types and styles of abuse that non-borderlines are bombarded with. It can often be sudden and seem to come out of nowhere because the source of it is deep inside the psyche of the borderline. Borderlines lack a known self. They have not been able to emotionally or psychologically mature beyond a very early stage of emotional developmental arrest. Life, for those with BPD, is, to say the least, one devastatingly painful experience of trying to live and exist in the absence of a known self in the fragmented pieces of the blurred experience of the here and now enmeshed with the past.

It is one perpetual separation-individuation crisis void of the big picture until and unless it can be resolved. Borderlines do not learn how to cope with the feelings that they have in the here and now, that trigger past intense unresolved feelings of the actual loss of the psychological self. They experience relatedness as being as fragile as out of sight out of mind. The fleeting nature of this inability on the part of those with BPD to hold object constancy in any consistent or congruent way leaves those with BPD in a very painful place — literally between a rock and a hard place in what is the classic relational no-win of an untreated person with BPD.

This loss of the authentic psychological self is re-experienced over and over again and the fear of it and the fear of the pain of it grows each and every time one is triggered back to it. This builds both anger and a continually proliferating inability to cope with it in any constructive way. Anything short of intense symbiotic connection that is uninterrupted will once again send the borderline cycling back around the re-experiencing of everything associated with the core wound of abandonment.

Along with abuse of all sorts, the result of this cycle is often a punishing talionic impulse acted on in the heat of the triggered-dissociated moment by the borderline in what are known as repetition compulsions. Most borderlines, until and unless they have substantial and successful therapy are not consciously aware of what I am describing here. This can be a crazy-making experience for the non-borderline. This is of little consolation to the non-borderline, however.

It does not, at all, justify the abuse. However, clearly I write about this here to say that if a borderline is not getting treatment , and I mean for real, not just going through the motions type of treatment, there is no logical reason to even begin to believe that the abuse that any borderline in your life is perpetrating upon you will stop. The borderline is still a very wounded and very young child, emotionally, in terms of the ability or understanding of how to actually relate to others.

This is the case because what borderlines do is not relate to others for who they are but as an extension of the borderline — and more to the point — as an extension of the parent usually mother that most failed them or by whom the borderline most feels abandoned, for whatever reason s. Borderlines often form addictive love relationships including normal dependency , they form parasitic relationships, and project their needs in hostile, threatening ways.

Because their defenses and demands are excessive, borderlines tend to remain in the dance, rarely achieving their aims. The dance that Lachkar refers to, in my past, for me, as I look back now many years into recovery when I was borderline, was one of seeking to re-invent, re-experience, re-do, the ruptured relationship with my mother. This wound caused me to lose my authentic self to the defensive and manipulative abusive narcissistic defenses of the borderline false self in such a way that would once and for all satiate the developmental needs arrested at the time of my core wound of abandonment and teach me how to actually bond without feeling like it would kill me.

The dance, for me, was one of seeking to recreate and recapture that symbiotic relationship that I never had the chance to have with my mother, through others, in an end-justifies-the-means kind of way, that was, at times, very abusive to others in my life, in the past, on my part. That dance was a complicated punishing and unforgiving dance of codependency through which I sought to resolve what for years seemed like the unresolvable woundedness that was the source of my rage and the abuse that I perpetrated against others in the name of trying to actually be psychologically born which is necessary in order to get on and stay on the road to recovery.

Most, if not all borderlines, have, as a result of this core wound of abandonment, a well-developed defense mechanism of narcissism and also have varying degrees of narcissistic injury that manifests in the and through the false self. This narcissistic injury or wound and its subsequent usage as a defense mechanism along with the narcissism seen in the false self of those with BPD are not to be lumped together with Narcissistic Personality Disorder — they are not one and the same at all.

Borderlines who live from a false self and who do not have an active and keen awareness of their own core wound of abandonment and their abandoned pain are not capable of age-appropriate adult intimacy or relating. It is from the core of this emotional dysfunction that borderlines end up abusing either themselves, others, or both. Non-borderlines, are often on the receiving end of many types of abuse. The very nature of borderline relating makes for a dysfunctional and toxic relational style that non-borderlines will benefit greatly from learning more about so that they can deepen their understanding of BPD and also take care of themselves.

Relating that is more often than not abusive. If you are a non-borderline and you are being abused by someone with BPD, you need to take care of yourself. You cannot control what a person with BPD does, but, you can make choices about what you will and what you will not live with. Once you make that choice you need to identify and make known boundaries that are firmly explained and firmly enforced consistently.

Mahari lives in Ontario, Canada. You can purchase any of A. She is a sexual abuse survivor and recovered from Borderline Personality Disorder many years ago. This is the most stigmatising, ignorant rubbish I have ever read. I have bpd. I am not abusive. I have dated a BPD for 5 years. If you are not aware of the truth behind this, you are not experiencing BPD. This article articulates the cycles clearly; They are real and dangerous to the health of the bpd and the non. Dangerous to the point of physical illness or death.

My BPD wife just tore apart our family after having everything a woman could want. They are incapable or real intimacy. I have a relative with BPD. Every encounter with her fills me with anxiety. Her most insidious behaviour is driving a wedge between her sisters. She then goes back to the one on the receiving end of the argument to commiserate and telling that one how wicked the other is.

My ex-boyfriend has exhibited all the BDP traits. It helps to read other sources and educate yourself, you could be in denial. You sound angry — may be your wounds have been ignited or you seek attention. I could be wrong — so could you. I am recently diagnosed with bpd, my husband has said for years that I have it.

One of the many hard parts of this disorder is to see and admit our abusiveness. I want to blame it on my husband for calling me hurtful names and getting angry at me, not taking the responsibility myself. So my issues with abandonment are becoming a reality because of me. Only He knows what tomorrow will bring. I agree…i am not violent, abusive or any of that crap….

But admitting it is always the first step. Yeah, not everyone is the same, of course. But denying the truth is harmful— to yourself and to your loved ones. Fortunately, I have gotten through abusing myself, but now I have to work toward not letting my rage hurt my loved one. There are no assumptions being made, this is the reality being faced by many family members of loved ones with BDP that go untreated.

The piece is not meant to be stigmatizing, in fact the author, AJ Mahari has herself recovered from BPD and writes extensively on the subject. I stand behind her fully, and I stand behind the article. Hello Sean. I have written an article that, although is not an opposing viewpoint, is written from the other perspective as the husband of a BP wife.

We have an increasingly successful relationship, stemming from a great deal of hard work, so what I have to say is written from personal experience, like AJ Majari, but I am not a mental health professional. I think that what I write would be valuable because, unlike many husbands who are desperately searching the web for answers to their chaotic relationships, I am well past the anger and desperation and may be a voice of reason when these poor men are mired in confusion, essentially lacking the ability to reason.

I do understand why Anon is upset.

BPD Relationship Recovery Blog, therapy and treatment of Borderline At the end of the relationship, the borderline that I was dating was. First and foremost, when it comes to recovering from abuse in your BPD When you’re dating a crazy girl (or a man because there are definitely plenty of those.

Few things are more intoxicating than a partner who is brimming with infatuation, or more inexplicable than to watch this same person become resentful and start disengaging for no apparent reason. In a relationship with a person suffering with the traits of Borderline Personality Disorder BPD these extreme highs and lows are commonplace. Your partner may emotionally discard you or become abusive and leave you to feel confused and broken-hearted. Or you may have invested yourself in the relationship and all the latest communication and relationship tools and now feel the relationship has continued to erode and you have no more to give. So they leave you – or you break up — or one of you finally decides not to reconcile, yet again.

Posted by A.

If you suspect that you have these traits, please leave this website and redirect your attention to alternative web content , which might feel more congruent with your personal views and needs. Thank you. You might be licking fresh wounds in the aftermath of your BPD break-up, or you may have somehow gotten beyond craving your Borderline at this point.

BPD Relationship Recovery – Me Project

Paddy is in love. There are times [when our relationship] has plummeted to the depths whereby we were both ready to give up. A flicker of joy and recognition. The person they knew and love is still there, somewhere deep down inside. Those moments are what the person longs for.

Healing the Pain of Being in Relationship With Someone Who Is Narcissistic or Borderline

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate. I did some reading on these forums and found a few threads that addressed Borderline Personality Disorder, but didn’t see anything with how survivors put their lives and sanity back together after being with a BPD sufferer for a few years. I was told by a therapist that it’s comparable to mind rape. Only if you have spent time with a BPD will you know what I mean. If you went through this, how long did it take you to recover and trust again? How long before you stopped questioning your own sanity?

Ironically, there are still things that still haunt me about her. I still watch out for her over my back, particularly when I’m in the mall or other places where she used to frequent.

Она хорошо понимала, что в отчаянной ситуации требуются отчаянные меры, в том числе и от АНБ. – Мы не можем его устранить, если ты это имела в виду. Именно это она и хотела узнать. За годы работы в АНБ до нее доходили слухи о неофициальных связях агентства с самыми искусными киллерами в мире – наемниками, выполняющими за разведывательные службы всю грязную работу.

What You Need to Know When Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

Нет, милый, ты директорский автопилот. Надеюсь, не забыл. – Ну и что мне, прожевать все эти цифры. Она поправила прическу. – Ты же всегда стремился к большей ответственности. Вот. Он печально на нее посмотрел. – Мидж… у меня нет никакой жизни. Она постучала пальцем по кипе документов: – Вот твоя жизнь, Чед Бринкерхофф.  – Но, посмотрев на него, смягчилась.

 – Могу я чем-нибудь тебе помочь, прежде чем уйду.

Мидж оказала ему настоящую услугу: обработка отчета шифровалки, как правило, не представляла собой никаких трудностей. Конечно, он должен был проверить все показатели, но единственная цифра, которая по-настоящему всегда интересовала директора, – это СЦР, средняя цена одной расшифровки. Иными словами, СЦР представляла собой оценочную стоимость вскрытия ТРАНСТЕКСТОМ одного шифра.

Если цена не превышала тысячи долларов, Фонтейн никак не реагировал. Тысчонка за сеанс. Бринкерхофф ухмыльнулся. Деньги налогоплательщиков в действии.

Когда она уезжает. Двухцветный словно будто только что очнулся. – Когда? – Он заржал.  – Она давно уехала. Отправилась в аэропорт несколько часов. Самое место, где толкнуть колечко: богатые туристы и все такое прочее.

Он немного постоял, наслаждаясь ярким солнцем и тонким ароматом цветущих апельсиновых деревьев, а потом медленно зашагал к выходу на площадь. В этот момент рядом резко притормозил мини-автобус. Из него выпрыгнули двое мужчин, оба молодые, в военной форме. Они приближались к Беккеру с неумолимостью хорошо отлаженных механизмов. – Дэвид Беккер? – спросил один из .

Провода от принтера лежали. Должно быть, я оставила беретту на диване, – подумала. Кровь, вытекающая из головы, в голубоватом свечении казалась черной. На полу возле тела Хейла лежал листок бумаги. Сьюзан наклонилась и подняла .

Наибольшая скорость, которую она развивала, достигала 50 миль в час, причем делала это со страшным воем, напоминая скорее циркулярную пилу, а не мотоцикл, и, увы, ей не хватало слишком много лошадиных сил, чтобы взмыть в воздух. В боковое зеркало заднего вида он увидел, как такси выехало на темное шоссе в сотне метров позади него и сразу же стало сокращать дистанцию. Беккер смотрел прямо перед. Вдалеке, метрах в пятистах, на фоне ночного неба возникли силуэты самолетных ангаров.

Он подумал, успеет ли такси догнать его на таком расстоянии, и вспомнил, что Сьюзан решала такие задачки в две секунды. Внезапно он почувствовал страх, которого никогда не испытывал. Беккер наклонил голову и открыл дроссель до конца.

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